Day 96

I’m going to tell Tracy that I need a month off from senior center duty. I’m burned out with the petty stuff. Aside from a couple of days for medical appointments, I have not taken a break for six years. I want to stay busy so I’ll look for something else to do. Meanwhile, my garden and greenhouse are prospering and I’m enjoying dirt. Today I’ll plant peas. I put up the shrimp netting for them to climb. I get refreshment from  gardening.

Day 95

Hollie and I met while I was walking and she was heading for the store. We talked for ten minutes in her car. She is worn out, anxious, and trying not to show it. I’m concerned but there is nothing I can do but love her. The dirt called me to duty and I planted, weeded, watered, and enjoyed every minute. The cold wind is still blowing a gale and I walked anyway. Today is museum duty and I’m looking forward to going.

Day 94

I braved the wind and visited Art’s garden and greenhouses. I liked it a lot as it is random and full of containers, flowers, vegetables. I came home and put a couple of my containers inside. He came and anchored the greenhouse but it is sheltered by buildings, trees, and fences. Today I will plant green beans inside and peas outside. Hollie will come to visit and walk. I haven’t seen her for two weeks. Megan came home full of stories about Portland.

Day 93

The Deacon committee was positive about Linda’s progress. I feel she has a genuine calling. The other items from yesterday will happen today. Hollie was too busy catching up at home and will come today. The wind kept me from walking to Art’s garden. I will go today. I need his advice. I may go to the Memorial day service at the cemetery or not. Megan will be home from Portland. I will finish filling the green bin with weeds from Megan’s yard.

Day 92

Sun is welcome. Yesterday I enjoyed the tiny new lives coming up in the greenhouse. Didn’t have much physical energy but did get three short walks. If I must push myself to get moving, then I will. The comfort zone is appealing and I won’t stay there. Today is a meeting at church for the deacon Linda’s progress report. I’m hoping Hollie will come for a visit and catch me up on Mexico and medical stuff. Ii would like to visit Art’s greenhouse.

Day 91

Wet Friday kept me inside except for a long damp walk to do errands. I did find solitude and realized that I had been overpeopled lately. The unrest feelings are still with me and I don’t know what is bothering me. Maybe when Hollie and Chuck get home from the medical appointments and Megan gets home from her time in Portland, I can give up the hypervigilance. Today I’ll get outside and dirt is healing. I want to focus on my own business

Day 90

Yesterday started with great energy and enthusiasm and went downhill by 10 AM. Don’t know what is causing these low spots but I have to struggle to keep moving. Much as I love my story people I was happy when they went home. The responses to our stories and the support for each other are the reasons for the group so I am sorry that I was not fully enjoying them. Today is open. It’s all about the yard , greenhouse and solitude.

Day 89

Megan went to Portland to go to the medical appointment with her parents. I’m hoping for the best as far as diagnosis and treatment are concerned. Cancer is a scary word. Today is senior center duty and the band will be there. I’m okay about going as the insight into the place I fill gave me a reason to show up. Then story group and they are the highlight of the week. I will read the piece I wrote about my lost son.

Day 88

Yesterday started well and slipped into low energy early. The debates at the BOS became repetitious and I lost interest.    Chuck and Hollie came for a quick visit before they left for Roseburg. They had a good time in Mexico and now the medical appointments for Chuck. I added to the greenhouse seeds and plants. I’m not sure how to use the space and I’m learning fast. I want to enjoy it all year around. Today is museum duty and a drizzly walk.

Day 87

Board of Supervisors meeting this morning and it will be interesting. There are actions afoot that will shine a light.  I’ll be there and I hope the chamber is full. Yesterday the senior center was full of stories as Monday’s often are. I listen. I care. Even when I get a little burn-out, I realize that I fill a need. I don’t have to enjoy everyone all the time. New plants in the greenhouse! This afternoon I’m going to Worm’s nursery for more.

Day 86

Church was very nice. Baptisms are significant. I will miss Fr. David’s sense of humor. Later, I planted seeds in the box and I am excited about what else to grow. Meanwhile,  Megan is monosyllabic and that’s not a good sign. I would like to help her move past whatever is bothering her. Hollie and Chuck should be home from Mexico today and then are leaving again for medical appointments for Chuck’s cancer on his tongue. Family situations cause me to feel unsettled.

Day 85

 First I watched Shawn use problem solving to get the box in and then watched Art figure out how to restore it and get the door closed. I filled the box and I’m ready to plant. The singing bowls were beautiful.  The reverberations go right into the brain and clear it out.  They play once a month and I will attend regularly. It’s Pentecost so I will wear a red shirt for the Baptism service. I’ll be interested in hearing about the pot-luck.

Day 84

More misses yesterday. I’m feeling out-of-the-flow. New miss is not getting an invitation to a pot-luck for Fr. David. So the late notice is not enough. I will not attend. Rosie and Karen are playing their singing bowls and I will go there. I seem to need acknowledgment, that invisible, taken-for-granted feeling and it’s uncomfortable. Farm-stand first, garden soil for the box, plans for the future and I’ll be okay. I’ll wear out this feeling with the shovel and dirt under my fingernails

Day 83

Yesterday started so well and then downhill. Did mat exercises and protein/veg breakfast then off to the zoo that was the senior center. Tattling, gossiping, and arguing just like the fourth grade! I was exhausted. Shawn and I went shopping for gopher guard for the greenhouse floor followed by his installation of the box. It was too big. Not enough measuring. So he pushed the edges to make it fit and now the door won’t close. I’m stuck with it as it is.

Day 82

Max, my museum partner gave me  ideas for the greenhouse and today I’m hoping to shop for box material and screening for the floor to keep the gophers out. First, senior center duty and walking. It’s definitely time to get back on the mat. I know I’ve let the core conditioning get lost in the morning routine and it shows. It’s only twenty minutes and pays off.  My nutrition plan has had a few detours too. I want to get back on track.

Day 81

Museum seasonal duty begins today. I enjoy the visitors and the other volunteers. If there is no one to show around I can make several trips up and down to get my steps. Often I go by the glass cases with windex and paper towels to get the finger prints off. Later, car service and a walk to the chiropractor to help get my joints back in shape. I may decide to take out dinner from the Chinese or the Mexican restaurants nearby.

Day 80

I was weary in body and emotions yesterday. I’m still sore from the marathon shoveling and although I’m pleased that I did it, it interfered with restful sleeping. The anniversary of Kim’s death and Randy’s visit stirred up history and much of it is unpleasant. In spite of the fatigue, I did my volunteer duty, took Jake to the vet, and had Megan’s door knob replaced. I didn’t make it to the DNDCC meeting. Went to bed hoping to recoup and move on..

Day 79

Randy showed up. I was shocked at his appearance. He is so old and crippled. I have not seen him since the day he came for some of Kim’s ashes to put in their favorite places. I could not feel comfortable although his story is touching. Kim’s death caused him to assess his life and led him to therapy. He realized that his lack of a moral compass caused his behavior. He blamed me for years for not being the mother he needed.

Solo Flight

It is the sixth anniversary of Kim’s death. I’ve been thinking about him a lot and wanted to write a few memories of our lives together. Although he was only fifteen minutes younger than his brother, he maintained the younger brother place. Kim was a sweet baby, laughing early, smiling a lot, eager to grow up. When he was about five years old he liked to make exaggerated faces, voices, and movements. He didn’t do it for attention but rather for enjoyment.  I wondered if we had a budding actor. In high school he acted in a couple of plays and did a good job. He sang in the choir. One Christmas program, I was a little late and had to sit way up almost to the top of the bleachers. At the close of the concert the teacher asked for anyone in the audience to join in singing the Halleluiah chorus from Handel’s Messiah. Kim gestured to me and I shook my head no. Just as the conductor raised his hands, Kim said stop, I want to get my mother. He raced up the steps, grabbed me and down we went all the while everyone waited. We sang. He was a teaser.  Kim would come in the kitchen while I was cooking. Look at the meal in preparation and say Do you think that’s enough Mom? He would get me every time as I quickly assessed the meal. After high school he and his brother joined the conservation corp and fought forest fires. Later he settled near Scotia with his wife. I lost track for a few years. He worked in a publishing company and was severely injured when one of the huge rolls of paper fell and hit him across his lower back. He had at least three unsuccessful surgeries and started a downhill period in his life. He leaned on pain medication and that may have triggered his bi-polar episodes. The last ten years of his life, he lived alone in Brookings in an apartment above the harbor in trees and wildlife.  He came to visit and I would take him to lunch and check his pantry. He didn’t want me to call him. I’ll call you he said, always at 8 PM. I don’t know if his death was accidental or intentional. I know he was manic the day before and I know he hated dependence on his medications. When I went to his apartment, the floor was littered with pills as though he had given up and thrown them around. His life was simple: computer, books, movies, music, living in pain, suffering with mental illness, he never complained or blamed. My son was my hero.  My phone hasn’t dinged at 8 for a year now but it was common in the first years after his death.

He had a flying ap for his computer and loved flying at night over towns and over the ocean. My first thought after his death was now he can fly without a plane.

Day 78

 Lots of night thoughts about change and new ideas. Don’t remember as it fled like dreams do. Today Rosalie and I are going to Universal Heart Center to present our elder circle program and hope to fill the spots remaining. I am a bit creaky although I didn’t wake up wanting an oil can.  I can probably sit through their Sunday service or come back after our presentation. Karen looked at the greenhouse yesterday and offered useful suggestions. She is my garden mentor.

Day 77

I admit that I am achy this morning and I’m happy that the shoveling and raking is over. I will have a day of rest. Art looked at the floor and was amazed at how well I did. I said I would do it and that’s the way it goes. Farm stand this morning: more strawberries and cauliflower. Chuck and Hollie leave for Mexico; They are joining longtime friends for a week in Baja fishing and swimming. I don’t want to go anywhere.

Day 76

Pea seeds! That was the exciting thing yesterday. I’m planning a green wall at the end of the greenhouse. The rest of the shoveling comes first, then raking, then building up the ground with garden soil. I’m a simple soul and the plan makes me smile. I was tired after senior center and story group. Early to bed and a restless night. Don’t know what was buzzing around in my head. Usually I review my day,  acknowledge my gratitude and off the dreamland.

Day 75

Hollie took me for the pedicure. It took me a while to be comfortable with the process but I did relax and enjoy it. Later I took my pink toes out to the new greenhouse and shoveled and shoveled to get the ground cleared and leveled. Felt good to work up a sweat. Today after senior center, I may get the rest done before story group. Or I may rest the shoveling muscles and finish it tomorrow. I have plans for the greenhouse.

Day 74

My enjoyment of dirt is now extended throughout the year with a greenhouse erected for me by good friends Art and Ellen Shullaw. I have plans for it and first a bit of shovel work to level the floor. I’m adept with the shovel! The BOS was full of interesting presentations plus the passing of the cannabis tax ordinance. Progress and a  hopeful outlook. I admit that I left before it was over but three hours of sitting seems to be my limit.

Day 73

I enjoy these calm early mornings and must jump up and walk. It’s especially urgent when I know I’m going to sit a long time at the Board of Supervisors meeting. Today will be more controversy regarding cannabis taxation and related issues. Let’s just get it done and move on! The pace of government makes me wonder how anything ever gets done. My containers are full of happy vegetables. The baby artichokes are holding up their leaves. I love having a food source 

Day 72

Church was good. Mother Leslie was there so communion happened. I will not go next week. Ellen and art brought part of their old greenhouse to see if it fits in my yard. Now he will order a new cover for it. I’d like to grow tomatoes in it and have them ripen. Good week starts today. Regular duties: senior center, BOS, DCCC, tea and stories group, walking, exercise, and nutrition, plus a trip for a pedicure with Hollie, and lunch with Danny.

Day 71

After a productive enjoyable Saturday, I went to bed early only to be awakened at 10:30 with an emergency alert that a black bear was in the neighborhood. Poor bear must have been frightened. It climbed a tree close by. I don’t know the rest of the story yet. The artichokes are planted in a rocky part of the yard, the seed potatoes are planted over wire mesh so the gophers won’t get them. Today is church, walking, more yard stuff. Good life.

Day 70

Oh my aching back! A few days of shoveling, bending, squatting, and I’m feeling it. And I’ll do it again today. Megan’s fence is done and insures her privacy and some protection from the noisy neighbor. It was expensive and done very well. Today I’ll go to the farm stand and to Worm’s nursery in search of artichokes and whatever else catches my interest. I have room for more plants. I enjoy my yard and like it to be attractive and productive too.

Day 69

My back is reporting that shoveling dirt and carrying buckets to spread it around are not child’s play. I wanted to help with the fence work and took the dirt from the post holes to the place where the bales were. Now I have a new artichoke site. No agenda and I’m so grateful for it. It’s been a packed week and I really need a day to poke and ponder. There is always something that I can streamline to simplify my life.

Cay 68

Rosalie and I had a productive lunch plus delicious sandwiches. We have a new name: Elderhood: Tools for the Journey. No more workbooks for the participants, more conversations and stories. Then she and David took me on a tour of their  gardens and treated me to lemon curd tarts made with lemons from my tree. Today, after senior center duty, I’ll get a long walk. I need the fresh air and exercise after three hours inside. The new fence will be finished today.

Day 67

Back home after the test tired and headachey probably from no coffee. Thanks to Hollie it was not the ordeal that I dreaded at all. I followed the instructions to get the best results and did the whole thing in three hours instead of the four predicted. Now wait for the report. Today I’ll meet Rosalie for lunch and get serious about our conscious aging program. She has made new flyers and we  have connections with Universal Heart Center for space and promotion.

Day 66

April left kind of grumpy. Lots of rudeness at the senior center that is unusual. May starts early for me. Woke up at 4 AM and it’s because I’m stressing about the 4 hour test at Curry later this morning. I’m making ham, avocado, and spinach on whole wheat pita for the sandwich part of the test. Making one for Hollie too as she will be with me. I hope the information will be positive and I can stop focusing on my heart.